I was always the fun, silly girl who didn’t give the care about the world, just loving and living life. I was open, I felt fearless, confident in my skin and after a while I felt my self fading away. I was slowly loosing myself and I didn’t know what to do. I went from being happy to always angry, from smiling all the time showing my beautiful smile, to not even wanting to brush my teeth.
What depression did to me
I stayed in my bed and slept for hours, didn’t get up unless it was to use the bathroom. (Yup, sometimes I didn’t bathe, disgusting I know) but I couldn’t help it, I didn’t have the energy to do none of the simple things that I normally did.
I had beautiful long, thick hair that I stopped combing because, I said no one cares. I dropped out of school, cause again I figured no one cared. I felt myself dying in the inside. I felt the pain in my mom when she seen me like this, I wanted to change for her but I didn’t have the energy, I wanted to die but I was scared to do it myself. But, I knew I needed help, I knew something needed to change. I wanted my life back and I was going to take back my life.
What I did to change my life
I rekindled friendships with old friends and I started talking again, I met someone and he helped me a lot (gave me my babies). I look at them and I want to be better, I want to do better, I want them to see me as a strong mother. But, I am so protective of my kids and I think that causes me more stress. What I mean is, i am constantly thinking awful things, when I take them outside “hope no one walks in the yard and get them” I am taking life one day at a time instead of stressing and being fearful of the future.
I want my kids to enjoy their life and not let me ruin it by my constant over- protection. I have been so much better, I’ve been more focused, more determined, more calmer, when I do feel myself starting to get anxious, I take deep breathes, inhale… hold… exhale… repeat. It works for me a lot of the time. I also, play more music and relaxation sounds.
I feel more confident this year than I have in a long time. I started my mind of a mom blog to help me channel my anxiety, when I write I feel relaxed,like now, I’ve been anxious since last night. But, it’s not something I’m too worried about, again I feel confident in our future.
If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. How do you handle your anxiety?